This is a quick port of the C commandline tool qclock. See http://www.nethack.net/qclock/ for the original.

<?php
$qc = new qclock;
$qc->time();
 
/**
 * Quick port of http://www.nethack.net/qclock/
 */
class qclock {
 
    var $greeting = array(
        "hi.  ",
        "hello.  ",
        "greetings.  ",
        "salutations.  ",
        "yo!  ",
        "hey.  ",
        "Segmentation fau--*cough*, er, i mean, "
    );
 
    var $vague = array(
        " or something",
        " or thereabouts",
        ".  i think.  maybe",
        ".  thank you, please drive through",
        ".  and incidentally, can i interest you in these fine steak knives..",
        ", and dont blame me if i'm wrong",
        ".  now go away, im plotting my world domination",
    );
 
    var $preface = array(
        "current time:  ",
        "the time is probably ",
        "the time is now ",
        "if you must know, the time is ",
        "and lo, ye olde tyme was thus: ",
        "it's "
    );
 
    var $roman = array(
        "XII", "I", "II", "III", "IV", "V",
        "VI", "VII", "VIII", "IX", "X", "XI"
    );
 
    var $word = array(
        "twelve", "one", "two", "three", "four", "five",
        "six", "seven", "eight", "nine", "ten", "eleven"
    );
    var $altword = array(
        "midnight", "one", "two", "too bloody early", "bloody early",
        "sparrow's fart", "sunrise", "breakfast time", "ate, er, i mean eight",
        "time to be at work", "ten", "time for a coffee break", "noon",
        "one", "two", "beer o'clock", "four", "knock-off time", "six",
        "food time", "eight", "nine", "ten", "eleven...it goes to eleven"
    );
 
    function getword($n) {
        switch (rand(0,2)) {
        case 0:
            return $this->roman[$n % 12];
        case 1:
            return $this->word[$n % 12];
        case 2:
            return $this->altword[$n];
        }
    }
 
    function nexthour($n){
        return (($n<23)?($n+1):0);
    }
 
    function time() {
        $time  = time();
        $hours = (int) strftime('%I',$time);
        $mins  = (int) strftime('%M',$time);
        $secs  = (int) strftime('%S',$time);
        echo $this->greeting[array_rand($this->greeting)];
 
        if (rand(0,4) == 0) {
          switch(rand(0,4)) {
             case 0:
                if ($hours < 6)
                    printf("its too sodding early, go away.\n");
                else if ($hours < 12)
                    printf("its morning.\n");
                else if ($hours < 17)
                    printf("its the afternoon.\n");
                else if ($hours < 20)
                    printf("its the evening.\n");
                else
                    printf("its nighttime.\n");
              break;
             case 1:
              printf("i think its around %s.\n", $this->word[($hours + rand(0,3) + 10) % 12]);
              printf("(but actually i just made that up)\n");
              break;
             case 2:
              printf("i've got no clue what the time is, go get a watch.\n");
              break;
             case 3:
              printf("the time is an abstract concept which attempts to give names to different periods of the day or night.\n");
              break;
             case 4:
              printf("go away, i'm depressed.\n");
              break;
          }
          exit(0);
        }
        echo $this->preface[array_rand($this->preface)];
 
        if ($mins == 0)
            printf("dead on %s", $this->getword($hours));
        else if ($mins <= 3)
            printf("%s", $this->getword($hours));
        else if ($mins <= 7)
            printf("a bit after %s", $this->getword($hours));
        else if ($mins <= 11)
            printf("ten past %s", $this->getword($hours));
        else if ($mins <= 14)
            printf("nearly quarter past %s", $this->getword($hours));
        else if ($mins <= 16)
            printf("quarter past %s", $this->getword($hours));
        else if ($mins <= 19)
            printf("around twenty past %s", $this->getword($hours));
        else if ($mins <= 23)
            printf("just after twenty past %s", $this->getword($hours));
        else if ($mins <= 29)
            printf("half past %s-ish", $this->getword($hours));
        else if ($mins <= 34)
            printf("half past %s", $this->getword($hours));
        else if ($mins <= 36)
            printf("twenty five to %s", $this->getword($this->nexthour($hours)));
        else if ($mins <= 39)
            printf("getting close to twenty to %s", $this->getword($this->nexthour($hours)));
        else if ($mins <= 41)
            printf("20 to %s", $this->getword($this->nexthour($hours)));
        else if ($mins <= 44)
            printf("almost quarter to %s", $this->getword($this->nexthour($hours)));
        else if ($mins <= 46)
            printf("1/4 to %s", $this->getword($this->nexthour($hours)));
        else if ($mins <= 49)
            printf("somewhere between %s fourty seven and %s fourty nine", $this->getword($hours), getword($hours));
        else if ($mins <= 51)
            printf("ten to %s", $this->getword($this->nexthour($hours)));
        else if ($mins <= 54)
            printf("getting close to 5 minutes to %s", $this->getword($this->nexthour($hours)));
        else if ($mins <= 56)
            printf("five to %s", $this->getword($this->nexthour($hours)));
        else
            printf("close enough to %s that it doesnt make a difference", $this->getword($this->nexthour($hours)));
 
        if (rand(0,1) == 0) {
            echo $this->vague[array_rand($this->vague)];
        }
        printf(".\n");
    }
}